Dating with Disabilities
“The course of true love never did run smooth” wrote Shakespeare. Anyone who has ever dated knows that’s the truth. Dating can be challenging for everyone, but especially so for those with disabilities.
Challenge myths and stigmas
Numerous stigmas exist around disabilities that may make you, understandably, afraid to be honest about yours. Unfortunately, many people think of people with disabilities as asexual, or they may leave disabled people out of discussions about dating, relationships, and sexuality altogether.
Sometimes, people presume that anyone with a disability should be grateful just to date at all, which is unfair and untrue. They also may, even unintentionally, think of those with disabilities as being perpetually children, or that they are always totally dependent, meaning that a relationship will involve nonstop caregiving.
Yet none of this is true. You have the same needs for companionship, understanding, and mutual attraction that everyone has, and you are just as deserving of them, too!
Embrace the positives
Many people tend to associate disabilities only with the negative. But there are many positives that you should remember and share: People with disabilities are used to overcoming challenges. You’re resilient! And because of your disability, you’re probably used to solving problems and being straightforward about your needs and desires (something most people struggle with).
Self-advocacy plays a major role in dating and romance. Being able to communicate personal needs, set boundaries, and advocate for accessibility is crucial in ensuring that relationships are built on equality and mutual respect. If you are used to advocating for yourself in other areas of your life, you’re already ahead of the game!
Take care of yourself first
On airplanes, flight attendants tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. That advice applies in other areas of life, too. You can’t be a good relationship partner unless you first have a good relationship with yourself. Focus on putting your best self forward and feeling good about yourself and who you are, without needing validation from a romantic partner. When you have the confidence and care for yourself that you need, you will be ready to give of yourself to a relationship.
Start by taking time to enjoy being single! Try to go places and engage in activities that you’re interested in. Spend time getting to know yourself and your interests, and interacting with a lot of different types of people. Engaging in activities you enjoy can be a great way to meet people, whether they’re prospective romantic partners or simply friends, and it can be a great way to build confidence. It can be a good thing to have others see you in your element, doing what you love to do. It can also remind you that you’re more than your disability.
Face your fears
It can be scary to put yourself out there and face your fears of being stigmatized or rejected. But dating involves putting yourself in front of others, so you’ll have to learn to get past what others think of you. As much as you may want to bubble-wrap yourself and avoid any and all harms, dating comes with risk for everyone, not just those with disabilities.
Think of your disability as a way to quickly filter out the people who aren’t worth your time. And remember that rejection is part of dating! Does it hurt? Absolutely. Everyone experiences that. But rather than taking it personally, try to think of it as your formal initiation into the world of dating. Give yourself some credit for trying, being courageous, and putting yourself out there.
If you experience rejection, it might be because of your disability, but it might not. There may simply not be a true connection there. And you may not ever know the cause. It’s best to accept the rejection as a chance to learn and grow, then move on.
Start slowly
Our always-busy lives and the prevalence of remote work make it harder to meet people than ever before. This isn’t just true for people with disabilities. Ever since the pandemic, an increasing number of people feel social anxiety and struggle to meet new people. Start out slowly. Instead of forcing yourself out to a large event to meet 20 new people, why not ask a friend to go do something together? Start with small challenges and work your way up. Take a class or join a club where you can meet new people in a controlled setting where dating isn’t necessarily the focus. And seek inclusive spaces where you can feel comfortable moving around and interacting with others, without having to worry about being in a vulnerable situation.
These days, many people meet their significant others through dating apps. This method may not be for everyone, but it might be worth exploring, particularly if your lifestyle does not allow for you to meet new people very often.
And if you do find someone with whom you connect, take time to get to know each other. Use clear, open communication, and know that you are worthy and deserving of love and respect. (Read more about online dating here.)
Should you share your disability?
When it comes to the subject of dating with a disability, the question of whether to be honest about your disability from the start is probably the biggest area of concern. This is a personal choice that you should base on your own experience and level of comfort.
However, many experts on the subject suggest being transparent about it from the start. For example, disability relationship specialist Dr. Danielle Sheypuk believes it’s best to share it up front, to avoid later misunderstandings or issues with trust. She suggests putting it in your online profile, such as on a dating app, but don’t spend all your time talking about it. It’s just one facet of who you are. While some people believe it’s best to ease into that discussion and share it after you’ve gotten to know someone, when they might be more understanding, that isn’t often the case. In fact, they may end up feeling lied to, just as they might if you were to post a picture on your profile that isn’t of you. That may be a more painful experience than being passed over for a disability right from the start.
If you want to have a real relationship with someone, you’ll definitely need to reveal your disability because it may at some point become an issue that will be part of their lives too. So it might be best to do it sooner rather than later. Just know that if you come from a place of confidence and let others get to know you and see you for all the wonderful things you are, you give them an opportunity to see the real you, all of you, not just your disability.
Follow smart dating habits
You dove into the dating pool and arranged an official date. Now what? First, make sure to arrange meetings in safe, inclusive, accessible spaces, and don’t hesitate to advocate for that when you plan the date. Start off right by using clear communication.
Be sure to pay attention to your mental health. Dating in general — and even using dating apps — can be emotionally taxing. Take a break if you need to! Never compromise your own well-being. Be intentional about how you spend your time. Setting up dating profiles, chatting with new people, and planning outings can eat up energy, and if your social battery has a limited amount of energy, be mindful about the amount of time you’re willing to devote to dating and how to set boundaries for yourself so you don’t overextend yourself. Just take it slowly, maintain your boundaries, and pay attention to your feelings.
And the most important part of any relationship, even a new one, is to communicate. Learn how to politely express your thoughts, feelings, and needs, so that you can advocate for yourself. Most challenges in relationships can be worked through by using clear, respectful communication.
Beware of these red flags
As you begin getting to know someone, pay attention to all the ways they tell you who they are, both through their words and their actions. Notice whether they seem to respect your needs. For example, are they unwilling to compromise on activities that you can’t or won’t participate in? That may indicate they’re not willing to consider your needs long term, either.
If you feel you can’t express yourself without fear of repercussions, or that they’re unwilling to meet you halfway or make adjustments to ensure you’re comfortable, that’s a problem.
Also, notice whether they treat you differently in private than they do in public. If you ever feel that they seem ashamed to be seen with you or that they don’t seem like the same person publicly vs. privately, that’s a red flag, too.
