Peaceful Problem-Solving: How to Manage Conflict

It’s important to resolve conflicts rather than just letting them continue. Like an illness, a conflict that isn’t handled can get worse. If you let a conflict continue, it may grow. This can lead to stress, damage to the relationship, hurt feelings, the loss of a job or responsibility, and even violence. Managing conflict is a part of being a successful, independent adult, so you need to learn how to work through it.

Step 1: Stop, breathe, and think

When you disagree strongly with someone or feel angry about something they did or said, you might feel at first like you want to explode. You want to shout, cry, or even run away. But doing any of these things will make it worse. 

Think about how you feel when someone yells at you. It doesn’t make you feel like listening or caring what they say; instead, it makes you feel defensive. You want to yell back! 

So when you feel that urge, stop. Take a deep breath. Then think about what happened and how you will react. It’s not easy to stop and keep yourself from responding, but having control over yourself and your emotions is an important first step.

Step 2: Seek to understand

Two people yelling at each other is not conflict resolution. Nothing can be fixed unless you start listening to each other. Turn your conflict into a discussion — one in which each of you explains your point of view, confidently but politely, while the other listens.

Careful, active listening is the best thing you can do. Don’t look for ways to interrupt and respond. Just listen. Take in what the other person is saying, then repeat it back to them to demonstrate that you’ve been listening and understand correctly. Be patient.

Step 3: Focus on facts and feelings

Remember that opinions are not facts. Simply stating your opinion over and over again doesn’t solve anything. It only gets everyone more upset, and it wastes time. Once you both explain your point of view, you may be able to find things you both agree on. If not, you may simply have to agree to disagree. In other words, you’ll have to decide whether the argument is worth having. Maybe continuing your activity and moving on makes better sense. 

Speak assertively, meaning that you should speak with confidence and strength. This is good self-advocacy. But this doesn’t mean being pushy or aggressive. It’s about being sure that what you say matters and is important, but with patience and kindness.

When you talk, avoid language that accuses or blames anyone else. Take responsibility for your actions or anything you did that may have hurt the other person. And be careful about your tone of voice and body language. Think about how it feels when someone raises their voice at you or seems to be using their body against you. It can feel scary and make things worse. 

Don’t bring up old problems; focus on the problem at hand. Don’t try to tackle everything that upsets you. This distracts everyone and makes it hard to find a solution. Only address one problem at a time.

Use “I” language, such as “When this happens, I feel…” or “I think this would be a good idea because…” This keeps the other person from feeling defensive. And avoid absolutes, such as “You never” or “I always.”

Step 4: Find a solution

In many cases, you won’t “win” an argument. Instead, the best solution is one where everyone compromises — give a little to get a little. The goal isn’t to win, it’s to move forward with a new way of doing things.

When the conflict is within a group, things get a bit trickier, because you may have several opinions to deal with, not just two. In this case, it may be best to follow the old saying, “Majority rules.” In other words, if most of the people in the group agree, it’s usually best to go with their point of view or decision. It’s just like in an election, where the person with the most votes wins. Unless you can all come to a compromise, going with the majority is a democratic way to solve problems that makes the greatest number of people happy. 

Once you come up with a solution, walk away with a plan. This may mean talking again later when everyone has cooled off, or agreeing to check in after a few weeks, to see how the plan is working. 

Tips for Difficult Conversations

When you’re really upset and worried about a conflict, the stress and anxiety can make you feel like avoiding it altogether. But there are some things you can do to reduce stress and prepare yourself.

First, as we suggested above, take a deep breath. Sometimes counting to 10 slowly can help. Take a walk for a few minutes, or even just go outside and breathe some fresh air — nature can do wonders for your mental health!

Another great way to feel prepared is by role-playing, or pretending to have that conversation with another person. For example, if you’re having a disagreement with a friend and you’re nervous about talking to them about it, you could practice with someone else, such as another friend who doesn’t know the parties involved. Practice saying what you would like to say and let them respond. They might even give you some feedback about how you sounded or other words you might try instead. Having this practice may make you feel more confident about the real thing.

How to Apologize

Apologizing can be hard. It may make you feel like you “lost” or that you’re giving up something. But apologizing is actually a brave, grownup thing to do. A good, sincere apology is one of the best ways to resolve conflict. It can lower everyone’s stress and sadness about a problem, and it helps you get to a solution more quickly.

When should you apologize?

• When your actions have caused emotional pain or confusion
• When you’ve broken a person’s trust
• When your actions have created tension
• When you’ve disappointed someone or let them down
• When you have made someone feel fear or excluded them

If any of these have happened, it’s time to apologize. Here is what makes a good apology:

• Acknowledge whatever you did or said that caused harm. 
• Take responsibility for your actions, without making excuses.
• Express remorse or regret for your actions.
• Plan how to make things right.
• Ask for forgiveness. 

When you apologize, don’t shift blame to others, don’t minimize the harm or make it sound like it isn’t a big deal, don’t support any actions that are toxic or violent, and don’t expect forgiveness, at least not right away. It may take some time, but if you apologize from the heart, the other person is more likely to forgive you.

Seek Help if You Need It

In some cases, when the conflicts are very serious, you may not be able to resolve it on your own. It’s okay to ask for help from someone else, such as a counselor, a teacher, a manager, or a community member. There are trained people available who can help you solve difficult problems and point you toward answers you may not even know about.