A shared living arrangement can be a great alternative to group homes or long-term care facilities. Living with a roommate allows you to live independently while also sharing the many responsibilities that come along with it. Plus, it offers companionship and a feeling that you’re part of a community. 

Remember that roommates are equal partners in maintaining a home and making decisions about it. That means you should be thoughtful about choosing your roommate.

Many people (falsely) assume that people with disabilities should only live with family members or other people who have disabilities. This isn’t necessarily the case. As you’ll see here, some people without disabilities are happy to room with those who have them, and in some situations, they may even agree to provide support beyond sharing space and rent.

Supportive Roommates

A supportive roommate is sometimes known as a caregiving roommate. This person may or may not have a disability. Typically, they help in a roommate-oriented way, such as taking on more household tasks or driving, though in some cases, they can offer more personal care. This may be done in exchange for rental assistance or other means of payment — but not always. 

If you decide to seek a supportive roommate, there are services that can help you find one (see “Finding a Roommate” below). Whatever arrangement you make, however, be sure there’s a clear agreement about whether that person will offer specific types of service and whether any sort of payment will be provided for them. 

Also, remember that being a roommate is often a temporary position. It may be helpful to ask about each other’s future plans, then consider how those plans fit together. Students graduate, people get married or get jobs, they move away… having a supportive roommate can make the transition to independent living easier, but it’s important not to count on it being a permanent situation. 

Finding a Roommate

Start by talking to friends, colleagues, and family members about your desire for shared living — sometimes those people can connect you to people they know who might be interested. Plus, they can meet potential roommates with you and help you decide whether they’re a good fit.

The Centers for Independent Living and Nevada 211 are both great resources that can assist you in locating housing, financial assistance, and even a supportive roommate. Reaching out to local community-based organizations that support individuals with disabilities may also be a good step toward finding a roommate who also has a disability. 

There are also websites and apps that can help you find a roommate. Sites such as Rumi or Homies are specifically designed to help people with disabilities find supportive roommates. And some other, non-disability-focused sites can be helpful, too, with some even allowing you to filter matches by lifestyle (such as https://www.iroomit.com/roommates/nv). For example, you can set it to rule out people who smoke, have pets, etc. The more everyone shares about themselves on these sites, the easier it is to select people who are a good match. 

If your first independent living experience is in a college dorm, you may be randomly paired with a roommate. In this situation, you may know almost nothing about each other when you move in. For people with disabilities, especially those that are not visible, it may be difficult figuring out how to share this information. In this situation, it’s important to be clear up front about your disability, how it affects how you move around in and use your shared space, and you can address any misunderstandings or expectations. It’s also important to let them know about areas you can’t access, such as a high shelf, and let them know if there are any household tasks you may be unable to do.

Selecting Your Roommate

If you live with someone, it’s nice if their lifestyle complements yours. For example, if you’re an early riser, but your roommate is a night owl and stays up late watching TV, you may have disagreements about noise late at night or early in the morning. Similarly, if your roommate smokes and you don’t, or if you eat meat but they’re vegetarian, these issues may cause serious conflicts over the smells of smoke or meat cooking, ashes in the house, or hamburger meat in the refrigerator.

Discuss what each of you expects from the relationship. Some people think of roommates as built-in friends while others just want someone to share expenses with and have no expectations or interest in being friends. There’s no one right approach, but if you’re looking for companionship from someone who’s gone most days and only wants a place to sleep, you could end up disappointed.

Decide early on what your dealbreakers are — what things you won’t compromise about, no matter what. For example, for some people, smoking is a dealbreaker. For others, it’s pets. If you find a potential roommate who’s allergic to dogs and you have a service dog, that won’t work.

When you’re considering possible roommates, you should plan to meet, either in person or by phone or video call, at least a couple of times to get to know each other and what you’re each needing from the arrangement. Here are some things you should plan to discuss:

• Money: This can be a sensitive subject, but you can’t afford to avoid it. Everyone must be able to pay their fair share. Discuss how much rent each of you will pay, as well as utilities and other expenses. Be sure that you discuss your incomes and whether they are reliable. If either of you unexpectedly loses their job, how will the bills be paid?
• Housekeeping: What are your preferences for maintaining the home? Some people are neat freaks while others simply don’t care. Perhaps one of you would rather handle the dishes while the other enjoys lawn work. Can you agree on some mutual ground rules for keeping your shared spaces neat? 
• Social life: Ask each other about your social lives and habits. If one of you is a homebody and the other likes to have parties and overnight guests, you may quickly clash. If you’re a student and need quiet hours, look for someone whose social habits fit with yours. 
• Unexpected roommates: Speaking of overnight guests, ask any potential roommate if they have friends or romantic partners who may spend a lot of time at your new home. The last thing you want is a roommate you never expected and who doesn’t help pay the bills. It’s a good idea to set ground rules about any frequent visitors.
• Food: We all have to eat, but everyone’s approach to eating is different. Some prefer to buy groceries and eat at home while others may prefer takeout or going to restaurants. How will you resolve this? Would you prefer to each buy and eat only your own groceries, or should you share the shopping and cooking responsibilities? 
• Entertainment: Common areas generally have entertainment features, such as TVs, stereos, video game consoles, or even table games such as pool or foosball tables. How will they be used, and how can you be sure that you’ll share them in a way that’s fair to both of you?

Part of what’s great about finding a roommate is meeting and getting to know someone new. It’s okay if you’re different from each other. In fact, that’s nice! Just make sure you take the time to listen to each other and think about whether they feel like a good fit for you. Your gut instinct will often lead you in the right direction.

Getting Adjusted

Once you’ve found a roommate and begun the move-in process, it’s a good time to set up some household rules. If you’re not sure where to start, Home Share Online provides a great roommate agreement template that can help you start setting some basic ground rules together.

Even without a written set of rules, it’s a good idea to schedule meetings to get to know each other and set some simple house rules, such as how and when each bill gets paid, how and when chores will be done, how you’ll organize common areas such as the kitchen or living room, and how you’ll handle disputes. Think about a system for communicating with each other — text? A bulletin board or dry erase board? A notepad? You should also plan for emergencies; share emergency contact information and discuss how you’ll handle potential medical or other emergencies. 

Make lists of items you will need for your home that neither of you may currently have. Will you shop together for these items and each pay a portion? Will one of you purchase one set of items while the other buys the rest? Make sure it’s very clear, and be willing to compromise. Living with a roommate is all about compromise — each of you gives up a little bit to meet in the middle, so you can get along happily.

Finally, remember that moving in with a roommate can be overwhelming. Moving is one of the most stressful experiences anyone can have, and moving in with a new person, someone you have never lived with before and may not even know all that well, can be frightening. Take your time getting adjusted, even breaking the move into small steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed. 

It’s okay if you feel some grief or sadness about moving. You may at times feel scared or homesick. It’s very normal. If you go to a counselor, talk it through with them. Or talk to a trusted family member or friend about how you’re feeling and brainstorm some ways to cope. And talk to your roommate about any concerns you have. They may be feeling the same way as you! It may take some time to feel fully adjusted, but it will happen; just be patient with yourself.

The Roommate Relationship

When it comes to living with a roommate — someone who isn’t related to you — the key to success is communication. You must be able to talk openly with each other, listen to each other, and share your thoughts honestly. Also, being organized and planning together can make the living experience better. Building a foundation of trust and respect is key to being a good roommate.

Your roommate is not your family. This is really important to remember. The rules are different with roommates. There need to be boundaries, mutually agreed-upon rules. And the way you behave is, and should be, different with a roommate than with a parent or sibling. Roommates are equal partners in maintaining a home and making decisions about it. For some people, this may mean having regular house meetings to discuss issues. For others, maybe a written list of ground rules might be helpful. However you decide to work together, make sure you have an open line of communication.

Here’s another thing about roommates: Keep boundaries. Your stuff is yours, and your roommate’s stuff is theirs. It’s not like family, where most things in a home are shared. That means don’t go in their bedroom when you’re not invited; don’t eat their food or wear their clothes or use their products unless they’ve given permission. Show respect for their personal spaces and belongings (which may include food!). Get used to asking permission to enter their personal spaces or use their belongings. It might even be good to practice doing this at home with your family before you move in with your roommate.